The Otherside

[FritoSparrow]

Page 1 and 2 of a script i'm drawing called 'the otherside' written by Nathan Long.
its still rather rough but i thought i'd share it anyway

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[Mystic 7]

I like your lines, but your storytelling needs work. It lacks impact, drama and strong composition. It's more of a series of individual pictures arranged on a page than it is sequential art. I would give your approach some thought and dig deeper.

Peace.
KB

[FritoSparrow]

Thanks for the feedback mystic .
i can definitely see what your saying.

[woodchuck3d]

Your characters and faces are very pleasing and consistent!
Nice variety of well executed facial expressions.
You handle both genders are skillfully.
Backgrounds are pretty good so far. Bathroom walls a little blank still.

I agree that the story doesn't quite flow smoothly from panel to panel.
Also, there are possibly too many panels with the same angle of they guy laying on the bed. Varying the angle slightly would be an improvement.
possibly too many front facing portrait type panels.

You could improve the flow by carrying more elements (characters and objects) from one panel to the next. This helps the reader understand that the camera has is capturing the same scene from a different angle. For example, while in the bedroom, have the same wallpaper in the background of every panel . Or possibly show a closeup profile of the guy's face (laying down) along the bottom edge of the panel that shows the girl talking to him.

Keep up the good work!

[FritoSparrow]

Thanks alot woodchuck, i really appreciate the feedback